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Reflections

Ok.. I've been thinking (as usual... heh) the situation with Gaffer. I can't say I'm beating myself up over things there. Far from it actually. But I'm not all smug about it either. I'm not sitting here all high and mighty about this. Now comes the analyzing bit, that I spoke about in my 'Learning from Negativity' aritcle. why did it happen? Was I right to do what I did in the end? Could I have done anything to change the outcome?

The answer to the first question is outlined somewhere in my LiveJournal, under memories: rants. where I specifically rant about him. Answer to the other two questions is below perhaps... or maybe not... you folks out there who have been following the 'drama' so to say, what do you think? I know what Dan thinks on this, pretty much, and I'm quite inclined to agree there...


That said:

There really wasn't that much to salvage in the end.... :-/ we weren't anything more than just 'buddies' who hung around together enjoying a hobby or two...there weren't any personal feelings involved, there wasn't any 'deeper understanding' there...(at least on his part, I've tried to understand how his mind works.. apparently it's "*lighbulb* idea! *lighbulb* another idea!" there's no... reasoning there it seems... it's like "oooh this looks good, let's do it" or "oh.. this person's doing it, I'll do it too, cuz like.. dude! I can do it better than they can" then it all falls face flat )

The months since June, whenever he spoke up I felt like exiting the channels he spoke up in. why? because it was either A) "I'm bored" or B) something in extent of 'my life/job sucks please pity me' (I'm ok with either of those, but if that's the only thing that you can talk about?! Hnnng..... boy do I feel like slapping someone there....)

I've tried being patient and ignoring things hoping he'll get it on his own. I've tried talking to him. I've even blew up at him in a public channel but then took it to a private room to talk to him, that helped for about two days right there. I've e-mailed him in multiple occasions, trying to make him realise what he's doing.. I've tried being like him and giving him a doze of his own medicine (he didn't like it, and went as far as to say "what kind of a friend are you to treat me like shite" well.. scuse...in all fairness, Gaff.. YOU started it. and I did tell you in advance this is a doze of your own medicine of sorts just to see how you like the treatement you've been giving me and other people on IRC. So why the hell are you whinin' that you're being treated unfairly? Now does that justify my actions, not entirely; but at the stage I was at I've ran out of sensible options....being nice didn't help, being patient didn't help, telling you there was a problem didn't help, being YOU obviosuly didn't help either... you tell me how to get through to you....)

He claims we were close friends... no way in hell...just because two people know eachother for a few years doesn't mean they're "close friends" you can know someone for years and not tell them anything personal about you. you're just friends or acquantances there.. he doesn't know the first thing about me or my personality. if he did, this wouldn't be happening right now.

It never felt right opening up to gaffer; the only things he knows about me is the personna I show online, which is 'slightly' different to what I really am like when you talk to me. When you show that you give a rat's ass. I have a lot of acquintances around me, but there are only a few people out there who i trust deeply with certain things. people who know "the real me" as it were. people who know some of the things I've gone through in my life.. Gaffer was never one of those people.

After 25th fleet fell apart, did he reach out and try to talk to me? try to console me? try to let me know you were there if i needed something? hell no. I had to dig myself up from the trentch to get up on my own feet again , for most part. he didn't even have a CLUE of what kind of an effect that had on me.

perhaps the biggest faux pax was at the beginning of the year when he called me the b- word in #AceOps channel... if he knew the first thing about me, he'd know I don't take lightly to being called that...

Hell, the bit about him going off on me on the 23rd of September was quite as bad... essentially accusing me of sucking up to the higher ups and that sucking up is how I got a higher position as an IRCOp and in BravoFleet... I have written quite a rant on that in my LJ dated the same day. :-/ that didn't quite please me there. (Read it here, if you've not read it: http://www.livejournal.com/users/jessiesk/383079.html)

There's more to me than I show other people... yeah there's the stuff I write in my LJ, and there's the stuff I keep private, either in my head, or on my computer, or stuff that I share only with one or two close people in my life. My articles for StudenTalk are just a window into my mind, and my 'philosophyy' on things given my experiences. Yeah, I do try to live by what I've write (otherwise it'd be a double standard...). It took some time to realize some of those things, but this is how I am now, given what I've been through and what I've experienced and witnessed. I managed to learn from the bad things in the past, I'm still learning from some other things in my past; some of them take time to digest and reflect upon. But 'ey I have a whole life ahead of me.. :)



Whilst yes, he's pushed too far over the months, it'll take time for him to realise it, and I sincirely hope he'll realise it at some stage.(Ma'chello for one does wonder how i could stand Gaff for so long and not snap...I guess I keep thinking "he'll change, things will get better" which yeah.. they will.. just not yet) I do have problems with how he does things, I don't hoard any bad feelings towards him. If I did, I'd tell it to his face. I did to an extent, but apparently nobody was home.... I don't know when someone will be home... must've lost the keys or wandered off somewhere....

mhm.. I don't think he has a clue about anything really... even himself...'s hope he gets a clue at some stage....I've done all I could to salvage things, for now all I can do is stand back and let him take a fall hard on his face to learn this kind of thing the hard way...

God knows how hard I've tried to aid him, and how patient I've been with all this in the last half a year. But even my patience has its limits.

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